The Night of the Craven
by SilverShadow44
Summary: Another short drabble for a haunting holiday season - but should I be sending a Night out on a doggerel like this?


**The Night of the Craven**

 _Once, upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered, peaked and teary_

 _Over many a foiled blueprint of my genius plans of yore,_

 _While I cursed, fingers snapping, suddenly there came a tapping_

 _As of some fool rudely rapping, rapping at my hideout door._

" _Blasted henchmen!"I cried, wishing I'd killed all the dolts before,_

 _ **This annoyance and nothing more.**_

 _Oh, how sadly I remember my defeat from last September,_

 _And each separate plot ruined, like ashes scattered on the floor._

 _And the engine of my regret – no, not dear, dear Antoinette!_

 _Nor yet my faithful Voltaire, despite his too-loud snore._

 _Bah – this hatred in my breast could burn only for James West!_

 _Only he and no one more!_

 _ **How I'd even up our score!**_

 _My vengeance left unquenched, in tears of fury was I drenched –_

 _Because of him and his partner Gordon, that inconsequential bore! –_

 _So that now my stomach ached with thirst for victory unslaked_

 _Yet the infuriating tapping, tapping continued at my door._

 _My concentration it was sapping, while I needed silence more!_

 _ **Only that and nothing more!**_

 _Presently the sound grew louder, as if some ham-fisted chowder-_

 _Headed dunce knew nothing better than to bring my anger to the fore._

 _Did they think I'd been caught napping, this party doing all the tapping?_

 _If so, their hollow noggins I'd be slapping_

 _As I went to open that accursed noisy door,_

 _Bothering me like never before!_

 _ **Such loud noises I abhor!**_

 _Deep into the darkness glancing for the human boil I'd be lancing,_

 _I was met by nothing – nothing! A sight I could not ignore!_

 _How dare fate give me nothing! Did it think that I was bluffing,_

 _When I pulled my latest weapon out of my workdesk drawer?_

 _I didn't mean just ill; if gaze alone could not then kill,_

 _I'd a surprise planned for my visitor that would shake him to the core!_

 _ **Yes – that and so much more!**_

 _But no – for I heard a flapping and I saw the guano'd crapping_

 _Of the pet there was no trapping, and I gave a startled roar._

" _Mischievous bird!" I yelled to that rook as into my chamber it took._

" _Did you have to soil my threshold with your last meal's guts and gore?"_

 _It felt perhaps absurd, but I would not be given the bird!_

 _Quothed my raven, "Nevermore!"_

 _ **Only that, and nothing more.**_

 _I smiled. "That's much better. Now obey me to the letter._

 _For am I not the master whose brilliant wit you so adore?_

 _I've kept it close to my vest, but I've a plan for that darned West!_

 _As you'll agree, he can't escape when he finds out what's in store!_

 _His every dream, it will be crumbled! I can't wait to see him humbled_

 _When I crush him just like all the dreams of mine that meddler tore!_

 _ **Ooh, that man makes me so sore!"**_

" _But this time I'll not be mad or sad, this time I'll only be quite glad!_

 _And Gordon at my mercy too, and sweating from ev'ry pore!_

 _How I'll make those two regret the day that West and I first met, I say!_

 _They'll tremble at my feet upon humiliation's shore!"_

 _Then without further ado, the raven to the marble bust flew_

 _Of myself that I keep in the best of taste beside my chamber door._

 _ **Quothed my raven, "Nevermore!"**_

" _Foul bird, why do you doubt it? Do I really have to shout it?_

 _This plan is perfect and can't fail, unlike those other ones before!_

 _I need just another week and then I'll really make them shriek!"_

 _With West and Gordon down the drain, my fortunes I'd soon restore!_

 _But before my spirit could sing, I thought I heard a ring_

 _At the portal farther below. Then two rings, three, and then it came to four._

 _How these intrusions on my peace upon my gentle temper wore!_

 _ **Balm in Gilead, not Baltimore!**_

 _Then a servant up came running – more disruption to my cunning!_

 _How I'd like to throw these noisemakers to some mad minotaur!_

 _But this lackey arrived frantic, I could see this was no antic,_

 _As he carried that dreaded warning up to my corridor._

" _Boss!" His urgency impressed. "It's him! It's that guy, West!"_

" _What?" I screamed. Was this some cruel fate affecting me wherefore_

 _I'd be doomed like the villains of folklore?_

 _ **Just when triumph and success I'd swore?**_

 _But how, how could it be, that I'd be forced to flee?_

 _How had he found me here? That wretched Secret Service corps!_

 _From them was there no hiding, no concealment truly abiding?_

 _Was I like a trapped bull at the mercy of matador?_

 _I then felt so unsteady, so unfinished - I wasn't ready!_

 _I'd be conquered more than conqueror like my ancestral Conquistador!_

" _Curse you, West!" I cried. "Curse you, forevermore!_

 _ **And curse this day you darkened my door!"**_

 _Now to my bird I turned. A valuable lesson I had learned_

 _Is that one must escape, to avoid complications galore._

 _Biting a bitter lip, I'd give West and Gordon the slip,_

 _My hopes they'd dashed again, but I'd have a vengeful encore!_

" _To me, Raven!" I called louder, swallowing the very last powder_

 _And calling on the faithful pet with whom I had such rapport._

 _My freedom on the brink, I forced myself to shrink,_

 _With just one bit of antidote left to drink, I must from this place soar,_

 _ **And leave my henchmen to the uproar.**_

 _Into the night we flew, our very little party of two,_

 _As the raven flapped out the window, flapped past the sycamore._

 _When I reached another town, I must learn how West tracked me down!_

 _I'd been certain I'd found the perfect manse just outside Baltimore._

 _But my safehouse clearly was not, and so much for my plot!_

 _I felt like someone hit by destiny's sharp swung two-by-four._

 _Or perhaps it had been Gordon who'd set up some secret cordon._

 _I'd underestimated that nuisance maybe once or twice before,_

 _Though having to admit it chilled me like the frosts of hoar!_

 _They'd both earned my rancor!_

 _ **Only that and nothing more!**_

 _[-]_

"Jim, I still can't believe we're doing this," Artemus Gordon muttered from behind his hand, hoping the children wouldn't hear.

"Aw, c'mon, Arte," his partner grinned. "You know as well as I do that guarding the loved ones of an important head of state is sometimes a Secret Service agent's most crucial job." He pressed the button on the door that had been set to ring a call bell. Five rings and still no action. "I should think you'd enjoy the change of pace, not having to be the one wearing a disguise."

Arte grimaced.

"I could design a lot better costumes than that, though! And I'm going to wish I had a disguise on if any of the other Secret Service agents see us!"

Jim shook his head, but still was amused. Personally, he thought the little tykes looked cute in their ballerina and cowboy and clown outfits. Maybe that last one was the reason for his partner's sour mood though. He hadn't done so well the last time _he'd_ tried to get away with a clown costume!

"Hey, kids," he told their assembled charges. "We'd better move on to another house. Looks like this one isn't giving out any candy."

"Aaaawwwwww!" the cowboy complained.

West didn't blame him. A mansion this size, the owner ought to be wealthy enough to be handing out the good stuff! And there were lights on, but no jack o'lantern, no one answering the door. Too bad.

"We'll get you plenty of candy somewhere else," Arte said, shepherding them back to the sidewalk and toward another large house.

Jim gave the silent mansion one last, backward glance as he and his partner continued the night's bon bon quest. It was a shame they'd struck out, but the Hallowe'en tradition was still catching on, after all. Besides, some people just had no sense of humor!


End file.
